Summer of last year

Everything is beautiful

Simplicity at it's best.

Benicasim

Indian style, boxers and a tee shirt with a wet bathing suit underneath, I'm molded with a bed that's mine in the summer time. Just up until this  year, the walls remained a dirty white. Since age three when i wore my hair down in a straight escapade, running with foreign boys i kissed in parking garages and storage closets. Many Spanish crushes, running playing "Boote Boote" and "Police y Cacos." Sprinting down squared tiled sidewalks, encircling our apartment building, finding  the best hiding spots and always being the last to be found. At that age my skin knew how to tan. Innocence is a wonderful memory and i hope the beach will always be there like childhood in my mind. 

When i try, i can remember more than what I've forgot.

10/8/08

I dare you to be honest, but i know there is so much to fear when it comes to this. It began with my breath, my wind on your neck, to exchanging silent words through tongues. I didn't know where to begin or if i was even allowed, but now i struggle with where to stop, or even if i should. I don't want to stop. These feelings aren't momentarily; are yours? Vulnerability hasn't ever shown so clear; isn't it obvious you can destroy me? "I'm in love with a girl who's in love with the world." John Mayer made me cry in April of last year and i hate you for it. You're nothing but a box under my bed for now because I've moved on to such better things. INDIFFERENT to the both of you. I'm much better at deliberate recklessness and tasteful lovers anyways. I'm revived by thoughtful skepticism and eager anticipation.

I'm so focused on the window to your mind you sometimes crack open for me to see. Let me all the way in? Even my breath is shaking.

12/2/08

Andrew Jackson was an asshole and Civil Rights came decades late. My music intellect isn't as knowledgeable as I'd like it to be, but I'll still sing along to the thumping beat in the background that vibrates where i sit. Even with my eyes closed, I'll know it's you that I'm feeling. Sudden flashing moments induce my mind in images of the past. Your name in bold letters written across my mind. I'm perfectly content yet instantly reversed. All the feeling left are numb. Late night blabbering, I'm so tired and I'm afraid to accidentally vocalize my tragic dreams. Disrupting trot into my doorway stretches out a paper with names that aren't mine. The doorway is not mine, in a room with bodies that aren't motionless. Shaking feet are folded 'borders'. "It's disturbing how little history we know." Years of repetition, although it's never the same; extended strangers know his ways. I'm speaking of two different people-one isn't related. Meridian imagination, stories to tell. It's been a while and I'm thinking about our future. "We had to be integrated." Controversy. Greedy parents, greedy ex's. Perfect word. Don't we all drop out of something? "Taste this, it's safe." Picking up floating words here and there. I haven't decided whether my mind is permanent or just stuck. Your confusion set in long ago and you re-read sentences over, more slowly, I'm sure.

1997, died at a tree.

I forgot why i wrote that, but in the moment I'm sure it was meaningful.

Thoughtful today

Particularly today i come home with a content feeling. It's been quite a while since I've actually come across this emotion while arriving home. Somehow i tricked myself into thinking it's actually 7:30 and still light out, rather than 4:30 winter time. Horse Feathers-perfect harmony to my mellow mood. I'm in such peace of mind and I'm excited for the future. Every once in a while I'm re inspired by the future and all there is to look forward to, that it makes up for the past which constantly itches my mind, body and soul. Free from irritation and bother and even my racing heart is for once calm. It has a tendency to overreact in situations where I'd rather not an entire crowd see my face burning with worry and anxiety. Lavender sprays don't necessary do the trick and too hot of showers make me faint. Most of the time i blame that on the heat- sometimes it's the combination of that and they weed. Gripping the shower bar didn't hold my weight, so me that came crashing down. That's when i realized i also forgot to take my socks off. The bath room reminds me of my brother-it's where i recognize his lack of presence most. The mirrors are extra blotch less from scattered toothpaste and his shaving cream doesn't swarm his empty sink. I have two brothers yet i still feel as if i was the only born. Every time i would drive in his car, i had this faint, almost unnoticeable, fast heartbeat. Always nervous in your presence, but i still remember our play days. Constantly getting you into trouble because you would pour water over my face as i lay on the maroon carpeting of our old house-i loved that house- yet i secretly loved the torture. I wouldn't tell mom that though. Not long ago, i had a dream the windows of my old house had been smashed. Constantly, that house is a permanent setting of my dreams. I wonder what that means-actually, i already do. Particularly in summer, I'm a dreamer. Waking up every day to tell Andrea-none in which actually made human sense. Blame my subconscious. Winter is dull and i miss the trees; the alive ones. I'm always looking for something to dream about.

...but secretly, i love having nightmares.

3 and counting

A few hands with six fingers tinge a crowded canvas, each section dramatically mismatched from the other-they did not clash. In fact, perfectly, they arranged together-almost like my skin to yours. Splatters, faces and yellow hand prints-blotted wood and stained carpets; i fall asleep on white rugs. I could not inflame your green, because i left the lighter in your car-fuck. Black windows turn transparent and you have to move to the bed to trick your mom! Remember the time we did it in the dressing room of Goodwill? 

I can't wait for Mexico.

Once she told me she was hungry for me.

journal?

Every body's ego is spilling over ridges, or maybe just yours. I can't take your words seriously and i sometimes wonder if I'm the only one. I can't believe i ever did, actually. Never the less fall into the play you've been spinning in for a few years now. I don't miss you at the moment and i haven't been acting like it either. Today everybody has been so fucking annoying. But wait, can we talk about the crazies?! My anger sores high over your pathetic, EVERYTHING. I can't actually think of another word besides pathetic and i wish i could. When i stop caring about being a good person, i would love love love to plaster your nose along the rest of your face. Save your face while you can, everything you are is carried behind it and it's all you'll be remembered as. Unfortunately, at least i know, you've already ruined that. Not much of personality and character changes after high school, but i hope maturity levels rise another four hundred years. I know you need that and some good phsyco therapy. Frankly, your psychotic behavior scares me and you have GREAT stalking potential. As far as my grades go.................I'll just go to an art school, MOTHER.

Oh, and keep you're fucking body off of my girlfriend, "young gay republican."

It doesn't feel like my birthday passed, or Christmas and Thanksgiving for that matter. The more I'm told what to do, the more I'd love to fucking repulse you. What the fuck, it's 2009 and as far as i care, i refuse to ASK to use the bathroom. I'll do what i want-so typical, i know! Remember to whip the white powder from under your nose and you'll be just fine? I would say that, but watch the whole eyes rolling back thing, baby. " I hope you feel better." I'm aggressive and i want it. Whip cream anyone?

WHAT?

I can't wait for spummer!

Two stories in one

In a color squared block of shredded trees, my eyes peeled to an attraction lodged in front of liquid glass, my universe is completely content, in state of bliss.

Sitting, gazing, studying space; the music is in her.

Cheeks flushed and voice cracked, smiling in too many direction. Uncertainty streaming from vocalizing symphony-toss for clarity and missing every smooth blue reflection

I'm alone and contradicted; who's playing games? Fuck, i just realized how crazy that sounds!

Calling all warmth, drowning in fantasies; at least I'm out!

Shameless reason of anti-deserted patheticness. These are memories I'm making.

That was a day ago

And this is right now.

Number five!

I'm almost sure the car doesn't normally shake like this, but casually, i grin pretending otherwise. Two bodies in love are two bodies in malady, spending time in separate corners of the room. That's when you know it's bad; neither toil towards the only great company and comfort they know. Every cell shivers-heats almost 90 and my body is clothed with too many layers of cotton.  I'm 50% sure nobody is drilling my head, specifically behind my right eye. Perhaps it's gone missing-or i swallowed it. That could be why my stomach is still so weak.

Sleep could not have came soon enough.

Last sixteen

Trip, trip, roll; wait, did that actually happen?

Shiver, shiver, sweats

It's so fucking cold, but shit guys, I'm flushed!

I take awkward to a whole different level

No, I've never had a dread head rap to me, slapping drums

Until last night

Motionless and hypnotized, my heart is moving fast than my eyes this time

I was only sitting, you should have felt my chest after the sprint

I thought i was dying................but not really

Fuck, what time is it?

At least in the movies you can pretend your doing something; watching!

Breath, breath, don't adjust, no my eyes don't adjust

"It's part of the movie, I'm sure!" ME telling ME

I smile because i know it's not.

Who ever said good providers make good fathers? I hate the kitchen, i hate eating dinner, i hate when it gets dark.

I used to rid bikes with an ice tramper...

Dare, dare; what the fuck is going on? I'm sorry if my swearing bothers you. Bipolar; i don't get it.  There are crazies everywhere! I'm confused, but if i really think about it, i figure everybody out-or so i think; I'll leave it at that. The other day i found a piece of paper- it had your diagnoses writing in pencil on the side of my sophomore class schedule. Isn't that somewhat funny? I find humor in everything; at least when i don't feel like crying. The breaking of ice in my neighbors driveway constantly scares the shit out of me. Perhaps it's because it's the same sound that penetrated my ears as i dropped your hell on earth out my window for you, around this time last year, and panicked as you tramped away, thinking it would be my fault if nobody ever saw you again-or at least not alive. Better yet, how i left it in the mailbox for you, pretending to walk the dog. Don't ask my why i did the things i did. I'm just glad you're alive-behind bars or not.

I miss you.

Perfectly, i can practically place in my mind, the prints you left in the snow as you casually walked away, crushing. The ice that was breaking was the world that was cracking. Haven't we all hid rocks under our beds?

Inject able or not...

I listened to you loudly lose your way back down to the driveway-you thought you were quiet

I guess that was the funny part?

...but that was a long time ago

Pointless

Creativity, creativity, creativity! Where is this coming from? I'm not even high! Haven't you noticed-my favorite, most inspirational topic is drugs. I'm sure you have. The Cranberries are craving and i once stole a Cd of theirs from a flee market. I like flee markets-i always walk out hand filled. I'm sorry for stealing. I'm not a thief, but once i did steal a recipe book from the checkout isle of Stop and Shop when i was seven. I'm ending this because i'm craving oranges.

Drifting topics-

Drown me in your laughter-this house is silence!  I'm feeling optimistic and if you were here, I'd dance with you. It's been a while since I've felt in the mood to do a stream of conscience-unexpected. Happy, happy, happy-certain things and YOU make me happy. Occasionally i get to the point where i just feel like punching..that's awkward. I like comparing people to animals, but i swear I'm not being mean! Humorous-make me laugh; laugh, laugh, laugh. I used to be so good at it. I think I've just gotten sick of the people around me. You're all typical, but hey, I'm sure you think the same thing. Oh, and have i ever told you-i hate standard. I've heard way to many people call it "hot," but I'd prefer using my hands for other things. Cigarettes, air dancing, or my girlfriends thigh! Basically, i know two boys, and that's completely okay with me. The closest person to a male relationship in my life was............................. my dog, and unfortunately he died in February of 2007. One particular childhood friend, comes up ever now in then, but i ruined that in 8th grade at a bonfire. Once i skipped around a moshpit; i was made fun of. I laugh now when i picture it. I don't like when I'm hit on through facebook messaging. GET INTO THE REAL WORLD. Lets stop using technology for once, especially when it comes to human interactions. "This is my boyfriend." Ten minutes later, "Where did you meet?" "Facebook!" This is where i begin to NOT take you seriously. I watch too many movies and that's the way i like it. The summer before 7th grade, i watched the Only One video by Yellowcard, I'd say, hundreds of times, all because a boy told me it reminded him of me-now that's typical. If only you could understand my humor! I have to go-not really.

Summer in January

These ten branched, swollen bones surround its red rimmed glass with every well intention

Pedal less flowers infest my mind with its walnut smell

Coconut flavored skin becomes part of the off white, stained rug I try not to trash

The well packed aroma is kept on the black ledge of the painting that's plastered over my bed; easy reach for in the night emergencies or quick escaping reactions

A crouched inhalation session from the crawl space in between my bed and the window leads to cartoon like illusions; my dog suddenly becomes human and I watch her as she watches me

As i step my way too worn in blacks into these small versions of rivers, i steadily pace, in a slow motion jog, down to the bottom of my driveway

I trick myself into thinking it's summer and green and the only plants around aren't just hidden on black ledges in my room

Even the taste reveals itself to be less dull and more flavours; color found and warm scented-i found my pedals!

It kicks my legs, drilling my soul in a brief moment of an awaken state of my subconscious

Imagination can do wonders

and so can hallucinations. 

It started at Dave

I don't mind the scratches, you can leave me scars. You're the only one i ever miss like this.

Abrupt change takes place over a year, starting in October. My imagination is so god damn detailed-details hurt. Many things are shameful, you don't need to tell me, but I'll still say "take care." I wonder what it's like to be one the other end; maybe other time, but i wouldn't ever dare do that, because no, you don't make ME sick to my stomach.

Cells shaking

Blood pumping

Hearts throbbing

Feet running; pounding

Pupils swallow blue

I guess i didn't mind the mud i was sitting in

or the boy you were kissing at the time

Jealousy was lost and not yet found-it changed with a letter in Spain

Holding arms for support down stairs i swear were escalators

We walk in wrong directions to an interaction with mom that would change your summer

You left me from inside a car-i didn't quite know what was going on

I pace driveways in front of another, spoke of my brother

I let my wrists snap, fingers fall, uncontrollably, endlessly, in the back of a car-i didn't realize where it would take me.

It was me and only you; i missed you from a distance

and wished you were rocking bodies with me on her lonely floor.

She always had such a hopeless home

and it didn't even wear off for another six hours.

Not routine, thank you

Arms pushing bodies, walking down narrow halls, and she thinks she'll beat me. I'm so in love, my mind can breath, she chases after me. A minute walk to her car takes us ten-i love the delays and so does she. I turn to see feet almost breaking my face; the entire fight, my smile could have reached the sun, my laughter could have filled an ocean.

I drove with my childhood safely placed in the passenger and right back of my mothers car, and i swore it's felt just like this before. Black hair grassed in my rear view mirror and i drive down 68 just like I've envisioned since age six. "Where are we going?" "I can take you home." I'm jealous of his drums.

I don't remember it sounding like that before.

Great company hides in between springs and ceilings

With sheets stuck between our toes,

we grip skin as if it were our enemy

Leaving our marks-passion was an understatement

and falling asleep with hair pasted to faces

    sweet aggression.

The coat of my skin is your skin

Indulge yourself with me

Let our ribs lay naked with the night;

it's such great company.

we're either hiding under sheets

or our skin is dancing with the air