Thoughtful today

Particularly today i come home with a content feeling. It's been quite a while since I've actually come across this emotion while arriving home. Somehow i tricked myself into thinking it's actually 7:30 and still light out, rather than 4:30 winter time. Horse Feathers-perfect harmony to my mellow mood. I'm in such peace of mind and I'm excited for the future. Every once in a while I'm re inspired by the future and all there is to look forward to, that it makes up for the past which constantly itches my mind, body and soul. Free from irritation and bother and even my racing heart is for once calm. It has a tendency to overreact in situations where I'd rather not an entire crowd see my face burning with worry and anxiety. Lavender sprays don't necessary do the trick and too hot of showers make me faint. Most of the time i blame that on the heat- sometimes it's the combination of that and they weed. Gripping the shower bar didn't hold my weight, so me that came crashing down. That's when i realized i also forgot to take my socks off. The bath room reminds me of my brother-it's where i recognize his lack of presence most. The mirrors are extra blotch less from scattered toothpaste and his shaving cream doesn't swarm his empty sink. I have two brothers yet i still feel as if i was the only born. Every time i would drive in his car, i had this faint, almost unnoticeable, fast heartbeat. Always nervous in your presence, but i still remember our play days. Constantly getting you into trouble because you would pour water over my face as i lay on the maroon carpeting of our old house-i loved that house- yet i secretly loved the torture. I wouldn't tell mom that though. Not long ago, i had a dream the windows of my old house had been smashed. Constantly, that house is a permanent setting of my dreams. I wonder what that means-actually, i already do. Particularly in summer, I'm a dreamer. Waking up every day to tell Andrea-none in which actually made human sense. Blame my subconscious. Winter is dull and i miss the trees; the alive ones. I'm always looking for something to dream about.

...but secretly, i love having nightmares.